Jessica Grose: On the Unsustainability of Parenting

Jessica Grose is an opinion writer at the New York Times. She is also the author of two novels, Soulmates and Sad Desk Salad. She was named a top professional under 35 by LinkedIn in 2016, and Glamour called her a “Game Changer” in 2020 for her coverage of parenting during the pandemic. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and daughters. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

In this post, Jessica discusses the complicated subject of modern motherhood in her new nonfiction book, Screaming on the Inside, her hope for readers, and more!

Name: Jessica Grose
Literary agent: Elisabeth Weed
Book title: Screaming on the Inside: The Unsustainability of American Motherhood
Publisher: Mariner/HarperCollins
Release date: December 6, 2022
Genre/category: Nonfiction
Previous titles: Soulmates, Sad Desk Salad
Elevator pitch for the book: American motherhood is much harder than it needs to be, for systemic and cultural reasons. This book is an explanation of how it got that way, and how to fix it.

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I have been mulling the ideas in this book since before I even became a mother. I had a difficult pregnancy with my older daughter and despite the many privileges I had, I realized very quickly that my workplace and the culture around me simply did not know how to deal humanely with a very sick pregnant lady.

Since that experience over 10 years ago, I have been reporting on the politics and culture of family in the U.S. The pandemic was a real inflection point. I think a lot of mothers had sort of accepted the status quo; many American moms were not thriving or happy with it, but they were just trying to get through the day and make ends meet.

Then COVID shut everything down, and mothers, statistically speaking, took on an even greater amount of caregiving without any relief. That experience caused many more parents to realize that parenting is not sustainable here, and that something major needs to change.

I have been thinking of writing a book around these issues probably since 2014, but then I had another kid, and I kept starting new jobs and it got away from me. Then—because I use work as a coping mechanism—in the spring of 2020, I spent early mornings and nights after my kids went to bed writing this proposal. I really do not recommend doing this if you want to be a sane person! But I was having trouble sleeping anyway and it helped me not freak out.

I had worked with the incredible editor Kate Nintzel on my novels, and I was over the moon that she bid on this book, and so thrilled to work with her again. The final product is not wildly different than the original proposal, but she helped me restructure the book between the first and second drafts.

There used to be a bit of history in every chapter, and Kate’s major change was to put most of the history of motherhood in one chapter and have the rest of the book be more chronological. My own experience of each part of motherhood, starting with pregnancy, begins each subsequent chapter. Then I spoke to about 100 mothers to flesh out the rest of the book. I also spoke to numerous experts and read a whole lot of books, academic papers, and statistics.

I learned so much from other writers and historians of motherhood: Adrienne Rich, Dorothy Roberts, Stephanie Coontz, Alice Kessler-Harris, Angela Garbes, Dani McClain, Rebecca Jo Plant … I could create a whole syllabus on motherhood studies just from the footnotes.

New moms often ask me when I’m reporting, “Why isn’t anyone talking about these issues?” And I always want to say: Mothers have been writing their stories and speaking honestly amongst themselves forever. It’s just that as a society, we haven’t been listening. I hope that changes.

That I managed to do it without blowing any deadlines.

I hope the book helps them ignore more of the noise. There is so much judgement in American parenting culture, other people’s expectations and values can obscure our own desires. If we know where these unrealistic expectations came from, it can help us reject them more forcefully.

I’m going to be dating myself with this reference, but when I was a kid there was a Dunkin Donuts ad that showed a baker going out every morning at dawn to make the donuts, rain or shine. Did he always seem like he wanted to make the donuts? No, it was exhausting. But he kept making the donuts anyway because it was time to make the donuts.

So, my one piece of advice is just keep making the donuts.

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