Benjamin Perry: On Dismantling the Shame Around Crying

Benjamin Perry is a minister at Middle Church and an award-winning writer whose work has appeared in outlets like The Washington Post, Slate, Sojourners, and Bustle. With a degree in psychology from SUNY Geneseo and an MDiv from Union Theological Seminary, Perry has worked as an organizer with the New York chapter of the Poor People's Campaign and as an editor at Time, Inc.

Perry has appeared on MSNBC, Al Jazeera, and NY1, and is the editor of the Queer Faith photojournalism series. He and his spouse, Erin Mayer, live with his best friend and brother in Maine, nurturing a small apple orchard. Find him on Twitter and Instagram.

In this post, Benjamin discusses his own journey of allowing himself to cry again that led to his new nonfiction book, Cry, Baby, his hope for readers, and more!

Name: Benjamin Perry
Book title: Cry, Baby: Why Our Tears Matter
Publisher: Broadleaf Books
Release date: May 16, 2023
Genre/category: General Nonfiction
Elevator pitch for the book: After not shedding tears for a decade, I taught myself to cry and feel again. Cry, Baby starts in my own story, but then explores the science of crying, the cultural forces that inhibit our tears, and how the world would benefit from more open weeping.

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This book started in the pandemic. I saw how much grief was going unnamed and wrote an article about how—in my early 20s—I taught myself how to feel deeply and weep again, arguing that our broader culture needed to do the same. An editor approached me about turning the article into a book, and I realized how neatly crying mapped onto a host of topics about which I’m deeply passionate.

It took me about six months to research and write my book proposal, and another eight months to draft the book itself. About two and a half years later, as we approach publication, the biggest thing that changed is my own passion for crying!

Since relearning how to cry, I’ve always been a pretty frequent weeper, but now I find myself an evangelist for crying in ways I’d never have imagined!

I was surprised by how easily the initial draft flowed! I had always dreamed of writing a book but felt intimidated by the prospect of actually sitting down to write it. What I found, though, was that—by sitting down to write 500 words first thing each morning—within months I did something I had longed to do for years.

So, I hope someone reading this finds the motivation to sit down and write that story that’s burning you up inside!

One thing I’m surprised by, when I tell people why I wrote this book, is the number of folks who tell me that they wish they could cry, but simply cannot find their tears. I had no idea how many people shared that aspect of my story!

And, perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised by this, but I was also struck by how hungry people are to talk about crying, how willing they were to share how tears had shaped some of the most important moments in their life.

We have so much shame wrapped around our tears. In childhood, many of us are made to feel ashamed when we cry—often to the point where we staunch our tears altogether. Then, in adulthood, lots of people conversely feel shame about their inability to cry!

I hope my book can help destigmatize the conversation and build a healthier culture surrounding this hugely beneficial and deeply human act.

Stay open to new ideas! I had a different book idea I had been throwing around for years, that never seemed to get off the launchpad. Writing a book about crying wasn’t even on the horizon!

But after it was suggested to me, the more I thought about it the more I realized my passion. I’m not publishing the book I thought would be my first, but it feels like the book I was meant to write.

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